About three weeks after my fibromyalgia diagnosis started , I felt that my symptoms were much worse than before. I was in a lot of pain and my thoughts were in total chaos. Not that I hadn’t felt that way before, it really seemed to be growing. I think the difference is that I now know that my illness is something that has no cure and the treatment may or may not work for me.
I have had moments of complete and utter despair in the past few weeks since I was diagnosed. I feel in many ways as I did when I lost my father, about seven years ago. At that time, I would sit on my bed and cry and put my hands in my lap, feeling so frustrated and hopeless, and plead with God, saying, “I just want it back” and “Please give it back to me please!” I found myself doing the same thing. I was sitting on my bed, inconsolable, looking at God and saying, “Please! I just want me back ”and“ Please, I just want to be exhausted and stressed out because of life, not because of a disease that I cannot be easily treated and I really don’t understand. “I sat there begging and realized that I will never be that” me “again. That “me” will never be my reality again. And that is something that I am trying very hard to accept.
My life is different now and I know it will always be different. My heart is broken for my girls who had to witness their mother move from who she was to who I am now. I hate to feel that my husband is disappointed in me when he gets home and it seems that I didn’t accomplish anything during the time he went to work. I hate to feel that people think I’m just not social or I just don’t want to be around them, when the truth is sometimes being around people or in noisy environments, or when the environment is too stimulating, it can be too much for me to take.
On the one hand, it was a blessing to know that it wasn’t all in my head and I wasn’t just making it up. On the other hand, it was a big shock for me and I have a hard time accepting that I will be like that, maybe for the rest of my life. I would endure all the pain I could physically endure if I could only be able to think clearly and interact with my children the way I did before, and be there for them. I would love to sit down and make a shopping list or be able to accurately follow a recipe. I would love to have the energy to dance with my girls, put on makeup, comb and dance in the living room on a Friday night.
Although I have not lost anyone in the true sense of the word, I still feel that I am mourning the loss of someone I love very much. I am mourning the loss of “me” and if the experience tells me something, I know that this feeling of loss and pain will improve over time. I know I have to go through some of the same stages of mourning that I went through in the past, when I lost someone I love. I know that I have to learn to accept this disease and everything that it represents. I know that this is the only way to move on and make some improvement in my life.
I am aware that all these thoughts that I have had, whether they are rational or irrational, will take me to a place of acceptance. I know it will take time. I will need the help of my doctor to find the right treatment and I will have to learn to ask my family for help when I need it and ask for patience when there is something I just cannot do. I believe that the most difficult thing will be to learn to be patient with myself and accept myself as I am now. I have to get to a place where I no longer suffer for the person I was and accept who I am now and that there are ways to improve my life and the lives of those I love and who are suffering with me.
Therefore, I am now committing myself to finding treatments that help my quality of life, educating myself about this disease so that I can make more informed decisions about my health care and learning to accept all the life changes that accompany a chronic illness. . I’m still trying to deal with the feelings of loss. I know it will take time, but I know I will get there. I realized that I am not alone on this journey. I found support from those who love me. I decided not to be ashamed or ashamed of the difficult times I faced because of this disease.
Maybe a person will read this and realize that it’s okay not to be well for a while after receiving this type of news. It is normal to feel sorry for yourself and cry for the life you have already had. It will also be good when you are able to find acceptance and move to a place where you can look back at your old self without feeling pain, and you can feel happiness at being who you were and realizing that you are still that person. You are still the same person you were before your diagnosis. You may even be better off because of that. I haven’t gotten there yet, but this is the place I’m trying to get to and I know I’m going to get there.